Bad art is like pornography; it is difficult to define, but I know it when I see it. As the Curator-in-Chief of the Museum of Bad Art, I am always on the lookout for new pieces for the collection. After many years scouring thrift shops and yard sales, as well as perusing the submissions that arrive at the MOBA Ivory Tower from around the world, I can point to some clues to help determine whether a work is “bad art.”
9 Signs That a Piece of Art Is "Bad"
It goes against the long tradition of still-life painting that came before it, typically depicting a tableau of commonplace, inanimate objects.
Janet Gallans My Favorite Things
There's a lemon standing on end and a yacht in a urine bottle. The oddly skewed rendering of each object lends an other-wordly quality to this otherwise simple still life.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Anonymous Still Life With Juicer
The sad fate of the luscious little orange is clear as it innocently sits before the red juicer and its ominous shadow.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Jeanne Galarno Still Life With Antler
The breezy rippling of the striped fabric, the gaseous swell on the left side of the wicker bottle, the descent of the heavy orange material, the crumpled paper in sharp relief expanding in the foreground, and the teetering of the precariously balanced antler—many minuscule movements lend a nervous energy to this otherwise still life.
It avoids the "challenge" of representational art and goes minimalist.
David C. Commito Southeastern Quadrant Chevron 12
A bright red, highly textured boomerang outlined in black appears next to the number 12 in the lower right corner of the canvas, which is otherwise painted a single shade of flat sky-blue. The viewer is challenged to grasp the true meaning of this minimalist painting, a task that would probably be less daunting with the knowledge of the relative position of chevrons 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, and 11.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Jonathan FeBland Monochrome 006 - Unfinished Etude in Blue
The MOBA Curator-in-Chief initially assumed this minimalist piece was created by a cat walking in blue paint.
The artist wrote, " It was painted on a small easel while listening to the piano music of Arnold Schoenberg (which was found to be quite inspirational for this sort of painting). It is suggested that the work is revolved by 90° every three months."
When the Curator played a recording of Schoenberg's piano music to better appreciate the painting, his cat walked out of the room.
It simply defies the basic laws of physics.
Elizabeth Angelozzi No Visible Means of Support
Pink carnations defy gravity in this unlikely still life. Free from the constraints of their vase, the flowers stand independently tall, proud, and in full bloom.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Anonymous The Waterfall at Gorilla Mountain
Snow-capped peaks tower over this summer meadow featuring evergreens, wild flowers, and a waterfall of mysterious origin. MOBA curatrors speculate the peak in the distance is probably Gorilla Mountain.
It is difficult to depict a three-dimensional scene on a two-dimensional surface, as most landscape paintings strive to, but none should be this bad.
Bob "Grandpa" Roots On a Windy Day
The wild westerly wind that devastated this peaceful bucolic landscape was strong enough to denude mature trees, grossly distort fair weather clouds, rend the fur from a bison, bend a wrought iron weather vane, and induce panic in a basset hound whose ears and tongue point east.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Tatyana Lyarson Malinovka
The young woman's head is slightly atilt under the weight of impossibly orange hair in this idyllic tableau. A tiny songbird has alighted from the dwarf tree bearing two green apples onto a one dimensional chair, contemplating the coiffure as a potential new home.
It goes over the top with the use of symbolism. We scratch our collective heads and wonder, "Why?"
K. Koch Winter Monolith (KDR), Spewish Rubik's Cubes
This image of the classic 1980s toys emanating from a jester gargoyle's mouth can only be described as puzzling.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Anonymous Walleyes
Yellow walleye (Sander vitreus) and blue walleye (Sander vitreus glaucus) are freshwater perciform fish native to most of Canada and the northern United States. The black ones in this painting seem to be of a different order entirely.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Samson Amazons at Play
We see a surreal misandric image of giants on a bucolic outing. Three young women play with flying machines and relieve themselves, while the only male in the scene is splayed open as a humiliated vessel.
The artist took liberties with perspective, but paid meticulous attention to anatomic details such as the central figure's underboob shadows and thigh gap.
It attempts to be a life study but goes great lengths to avoid the hardest parts, the hands and feet.
Anonymous Look Ma, No Hands!
While the image has a Norman Rockwellian charm, it is probably best appreciated as an illustration of the creative devices to which artists sometimes resort to avoid the difficult challenge of painting human hands.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Anonymous Raven Haired Beauty With White Flower
According to tradition in the islands of the South Pacific, the white gardenia over her right ear suggests that the young woman in this painting is unmarried. Her right arm resting comfortably on the bottom of the canvas suggests that the artist made a conscious decision to avoid the difficult challenge of painting her hand.
It concentrates way too much on the windows to the soul, the eyes.
Anonymous Here's Looking at You
Larger than life and unencumbered by eyelashes, the solitary green eye looms menacingly silent.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Anonymous The Better to See You, My Dear
Attempting to combat the pervasive sense of isolation rampant in modern society, the artist presents a bold post-cubist image that compels the viewer to make direct eye contact.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Jeanne Galarneau Kent Eyes & Lips
Stylized facial features float before a colorful background. The orange-slice eyes and blue lips are totally segregated, never invading each others' space as they inhabit separate but equal real estate on the canvas.
The artist clarifies the yellow dots to the left and below every set of lips, "...I always wanted to have beauty marks like Miss Peggy Lee..." (the sultry singer/actress who famously sang of feverish affairs of the heart).
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
F. W. Covington Eyes See You
The artist has effectively portrayed life-size pairs of disembodied eyes on a flame-red background, some staring straight ahead while others glance left or right. They are realistic and iconic in their simplicity. Of particular interest is a cross-eyed pair of eyes along the left edge and one huge bloodshot eyeball at the right center that may be the artist's own after a long night out.
It generally fails at properly representing the human form.
William Niewiarowski Coffee Break - Woman With Muffin
Looking totally relaxed as she strikes a classic pose, a woman with neatly trimmed hair wears only high heel slides that accentuate her slender ankles. Her nudity distracts most viewers from noticing her unusual right hand, with which she gracefully holds a cup of steaming java.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Amal Haidan Loneliness in a Blue Lagoon
Her loneliness is the least of this young woman's problems; her visit to the Blue Lagoon has resulted in what promises to be a painful sunburn!
It suffers from the artist's obvious inability to draw.
Linda James Jazz Hands
In spite of her unfortunate haircut which was fashionable at the time, Liza Minnelli's remarkable stage presence at the peak of her career is evident in this portrait. What appears to be chest hair on the pop icon is actually mold; the artist believed her inexperience with paint and brush caused her to miss the mark, so she stored her painting in a damp garage for 27 years.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Kendall Moore Annie's Downstairs
Impressed by how well they worked on her pets and her own teeth, Annie used Crest Whitestrips to brighten her toenails.
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Andrea Schmidt Mana Lisa
This is a cross-gender interpretation of the da Vinci classic. Taking their cue from The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown, museum curators decided to use anagrams of the title to better understand this mystifying work: I AM NASAL, A SAIL MAN, AS ANIMAL, AM A SNAIL, MAIL NASA, MAN ALIAS
Image via The Museum of Bad Art
Mark Finley Inauguration Day 1961
The president's father beamed with pride on that cold, windy day when his son, looking eerily like the future King of Pop, ignored the snow piling up on his face and suggested we ask not what our country could do for us, but what we could do for our country.
