15 Driving Maneuvers and What They Say About You

Image via Complex Original

Description: Diving in front of another car without leaving a reasonable distance.

What It Says: This driver either needs to get in the other lane now, and nobody is letting him in, has plenty of space and is massively stupid, is intentionally being an ass and is massively stupid, or is attempting to commit insurance fraud. 

Description: There's always that one guy for whom one lane just isn't enough.

What it Says: This person needs to stop driving immediately. He's either distracted by a seven layer burrito, dozing off, or simply lacks the requisite spatial awareness for motoring. 

There is one exception: Lane straddling to block people trying to pass on the shoulder or in a merge zone is cool.

Description: Travelling at 55 mph in a 70 mph.

What It Says: The driver is either ancient, under the influence and trying not to get pulled over, or lost. Only one of these is acceptable, and it's not being a blue-haired blind woman cruising at 37 in the left lane of I-95 in a Buick Century or being the idiot who just smoked six bowls and downed seven yaeger bombs. If you're just looking for your turn, we'll give you a free pass.

Description: Two lanes are gradually narrowing to one, and signage has been posted so that traffic can safely merge, while one car flies up the disappearing lane to get in front.

What It Says: "BLAAAAAAURGH! I'M RACING!"

Description: If you're not passing on the left and cruising on the right, you're doing it wrong. If you're doing it wrong in a maniacal way, it sucks.

What It Says: If you can't seem to stay in a lane for more than two seconds, like an ADD kid changing from channel to channel and trying to watch six shows at once, you're probably viewing other cars as obstacles, instead of other cars with people in them.

Description: Following too closely given the speed.

What It Says: This driver is just an idiot. Some people tailgate in order to irritate those in front into getting out of the way, some do it purely out of habit, and others do it to draft the car in front and impove their gas milage; all are absolute idiots. It's dangerous, and despite the feelings it imparts upon the impulse driven pea-brains, doesn't get you where you're going any faster.

Also, because it's so stupid to follow to closely, if there's an accident and you're in back, the law is blaming you unless you have hard proof that you're not at fault.

Description: It's rush hour traffic on the highway and noody is moving except for that one guy who's flying by everybody else on the shoulder.

What It Says: "I'm a mild sociopath." This guy is willing to use something that is there purely for emergencies and is not a real lane, in order to cut in front of a bunch of frustaurated people who are waiting in line like they're supposed to.

Description: Waiting until the last possible moment to brake before the red light/stop sign/impending doom.

What It Says: This driver lacks finesse entirely. He probably cooks all of his food on high, wears only one color at a time, and speaks only in sentences based on structures found in Gray & Sharp's children's classic, See Spot Run.

Description: Legally speaking, the left lane is for passing, and slower moving traffic should move right. In reality, slower-moving traffic often stays right where it is.

What It Says: "I'm driving the speed limit, or a tiny amount above it, and I think it's irresponsible for you to be going any faster than that. The law says..."

Self-righteous prick.

Description: Turning the wheel and mashing the throttle results in spinning, squealing (from both tires and passengers), and a cloud of smoke.

What It Says: If a guy is doing donuts in an empty parking lot, he's just looking to have some fun with his car. If he's doing it near stuff he could crash into, he's incapable of seeing the possible results of his actions and is a neaderthal.

Description: Suddenly braking at highway speed to scare someone behind you.

What It Says: The driver is completely fed up with tailgaters and is willing to risk his life, the tailgater's life, any passengers' lives, and any nearby motorists' lives to prove it. He clearly doesn't have the best grasp of the relative importance of things.

Description: Lighting up the rear tires, making a huge cloud of smoke, and leaving two black lines on the pavement as an ode to power.

What It Says: This is another one that is entirely dependant on the location. If you're showing a '69 Camaro at a car show and there's plenty of space, give the crowd what they want to see and do a sick burnout. If you're next to a minivan at a traffic light, don't risk losing control and careening into a minivan just because you have poor impulse control. The first car is a car enthusiast, and the later is an insecure dickwad who really wants to look cool.

Description: Maintaining a power slide for a prolonged amount of time.

What It Says: This driver is a car guy who may or may not be an idiot. He certainly loves sports cars, motorsport, and spirited driving, but depending on where he's drifting, he could be a responsible enthusiast or a moron having some fun. Here's a nice table to explain which you are.

Empty Parking Lot: Responsible Enthusiast
Full Parking Lot: Moron
Deserted Roundabout: Responsible Enthusiast
Busy Roundabout: Moron
Closed Course: Responsible Enthusiast
Downtown: Moron

Are you seeing the pattern here? 

Description: Putting your inside wheels on the apex of a corner.

What It Says: When on a race track, you should be clipping every apex, but when you're on a public road this means that you're driving into another lane just to corner faster. We're big fans of fast driving, but not when it's into oncoming traffic. The guy who does this on a two-lane is just the kind of prick who thinks he can't die and is an undiscovered F1 talent; in reality, he's just an idiot.

Description: When somebody tries to get on to the freeway at a "safe, slow speed."

What It Says: You don't think very much, and you think of the left pedal (you know there are only two in this driver's car) as the "safety pedal." Some people just think of slow as safe and fast as dangerous, no matter how many times you try to explain that the safest speed when merging into 65 mph traffic is 65 mph. For whatever reason, in our experience, this is rampant in Nashville, TN.¹

¹ I once got stuck behind a Ferrari 430 doing 31 in a 45 in Nashville. What the hell is the point of buying a Ferrari and driving it like a Matlock enthusiast?