I'm yelling.
See, I thought Sean Penn's Sean Penn-ness peaked when he interviewed snitched on El Chapo in Rolling Stone, writing, "At 55 years old, I’ve never learned to use a laptop. Do they still make laptops? No fucking idea!" and "I take no pride in keeping secrets that may be perceived as protecting criminals, nor do I have any gloating arrogance at posing for selfies with unknowing security men. But I’m in my rhythm." But boy, I was wrong. Today, he made me realize there's a level of gross, entitled, white Hollywood old guy that only the greats reach. Because today, I learned that Sean Penn is dating a girl who is THIRTY-TWO years younger than him; a girl who is ONE YEAR YOUNGER than his daughter, Dylan.
When Sean Penn made Dead Man Walking, his girlfriend was two years old. When Sean Penn appeared in Pauly Shore Is Dead, his girlfriend was probably just starting to grasp addition and subtraction. Let's cut to Charlize Theron, Penn's appropriately aged ex-girlfriend, for a fitting reaction:
But that's not all. Oh no—this 24-year-old also happens to be the daughter of Vincent D'Onofrio, that guy from the other other Law & Order/the alien from Men in Black. If you're wondering—which you should be—D'Onofrio is 57, one year older than Penn. Cool.
Leila George, as People tells me, is an actress who has starred alongside James Franco in Lifetime's Mother, May I Sleep With Danger and is appearing in Franco's The Long Home in 2017. (That James Franco is somehow rolled up in this is so typical.) Most of Leila's Instagram posts are made to look like Polaroid pictures, she saw U2 recently, and one photo shows her and Penn recording an audio book together?
What is a Pappy Pariah, you ask? Pappy Pariah is oh god dammit the worst thing ever Sean Penn's pseudonym. For awhile, he was pretending that Pappy Pariah was this unknown, underrated literary genius that he met at a bar in the Florida Keys in 1979 (*does math* nope—Leila still wasn't born yet), but no, that's not true. According to Entertainment Weekly, Pappy Pariah's so-called "men-noir," Bob Honey Who Just Does Stuff, is "hard to describe." Leila's role in the audiobook version of whatever the fuck this is appears to be limited to intermittently popping up to read "in a purposely robotic way, like Apple’s Siri," Us Weekly reports. We know this because Penn and Leila did a THREE-HOUR live-read of the book last week in Los Angeles. Leila wore a red wig, which is very Natalie-Portman-in-Closer of her.
There isn't yet an origin story for how Leila and Penn met—our first indication that this was a thing came last Wednesday when the two were seen making out in Hawaii, but I'm sure it's a totally romantic story. I bet Sean rang up Vincent D'Onofrio and asked if he could call on his daughter, because he was born in 1960 and that's what whippersnappers used to do. And I bet D'Onofrio really appreciated that, because he was born in 1959.
So to sum up: Sean Penn is dating a 24-year-old, who is the daughter of another famous actor in his fifties; together, the two made a book with a horrible title and an even worse author name; Leila wears wigs, which must make Sean Penn "feel like a kid again;" and James Franco is somewhat involved. Join us, two to ten days from now, when we find out that this was all viral marketing orchestrated by Pappy Pariah.
