It had to be you, Texas. It had to be you. Florida's out here with part-time porn stars named Kayla Kupcakes getting arrested then unceremoniously flashing the judge. Ohio's out here with cops posing as "Troy Castle" on Craigslist to find potential victims for his signature "traffic stop sex." Texas, mustering all possible Texasness, has now reentered the it-has-to-be-state-wide-performance-art universe by dramatically raising the bar.
In fact, it's better to just eschew the usual format here and just let you peruse this for as long as you see fit:
Why, yes. That is a Yelp review screengrabbed and shared by a purported Pizza Hut district manager. The individual neither confirms or outright denies any of the allegations in the extremely detailed review, only adding to the gravy-covered Texan glory of it all.
If taken as fact (it's obviously fact?), the author of this Hemingway-esque Yelp review was not only so desperate for female attention that he was more than okay with a Pizza Hut delivery driver bursting violently into his home, but also so deeply fond of Pizza Hut's product that none of what supposedly transpired compelled him enough to, you know, actually give a bad review.
Best of all? This guy has a bit of a history of inserting unnecessarily personal details into his Yelp poetry:
Welcome back, Texas. Florida's happy to see you.
