13 Pictures of Dead Cats

This is not an April Fool's prank.

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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We know what you’re thinking: Is this some sort of April Fool’s joke? The answer, in a word and simply put, is: no. No, it is not a joke.

There are 13 pictures of dead cats below.

And we know what you’re thinking next: What kind of sick fuck collects 13 pictures of dead cats, much less publishes them on the Internet, a machine that is powered by the purring of cute kitties? Well, we ask a question in return: Have you ever been clawed by a cat before? Ever been sliced across your forearm with one of those translucent cat talons, like a weapons grade paper cut with an allergic reaction thrown in for fun, so you walk around all the time with flaming two-inch welts on your arms and people ask you if you’re hurting yourself, and you say, No, but if you had to live with that goddamned cat three nights a week you might think about getting into cutting that is if the goddamned cat weren’t hacking your arms to bits already? No you have not. If you had you wouldn’t be reading this prolix introductory epistle, you would have immediately skipped to the 13 pictures of dead cats to sate your feline blood lust.

Another question: Are you allergic to cats? Do you love a woman who owns a cat? Does she make you stay over at her house, because you’ve got the heavy-breathing roommate who eats tuna fish and almond milk for breakfast and has his baseball card collection taped to the walls? No, you aren’t, and you don’t and she doesn’t, because if you were, you would be in a mental institution or jail or making violins somewhere or—SUSAN THE CAT IS DOING THAT THING WHERE IT DRAGS ITS ASS ALL OVER THE RUG AGAIN AND—OH SWEET BABY JESUS IN THE MANGER THERE IS A DINGLEBERRY, THERE IS A GODDAMNED EGGPLANT-SIZED SHITBALL HANGING OFF THE ASS HAIRS OF THAT CAT OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO MURDER THAT THING—

—We're sorry, where were we? Oh yes, here are 13 pictures of dead cats.

Curiosity Killed the Cat

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Cannon Fodder

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What Goes Up Must Come Down

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A Costly Shave

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"The reports of my death are probably forthcoming."

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The Last Time She Ever Shushed a Human

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You're Next

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In the Name of Science

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The Last Supper

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The New Look in Scarves This Year

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#neglect

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I Have to Go to the Bathroom

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Solitary Confinement

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What, you were expecting more blood? Roadkill perhaps? What's wrong with you? Yes, these cats were alive when the photos were taken, and they all lead happy little cat lives*, but each of these pictures is more than 50 years old. Given that the oldest known cat died at 38**, all of these cats are, verifiably, dead. If that's not enough to satisfy your ailurophobia, you're at the wrong website buddy.

*We don't know this.

**That's way too goddamn old for a cat.

They're all dead, too.

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