10 Celebrities Make Twitter Resolutions for 2014

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I Resolve To: Quit having biweekly Twitter beefs.

Azealia Banks is an extremely talented young rapper who has already found herself sworn off by so many people because they don't like her attitude. Yes, many of the men she beefs with typically start the verbal back and forth, but that isn't always the case. Moreover, you don't have to respond to everyone. Just like you don't have to throw out slurs or call out Pharrell for no longer wanting to work with you because of the public persona you've created. I mean, once you go out of your way to publicly bash him, you kind of prove his point, no? Still looking forward to the album, though.

I Resolve To: Allow my publicist and lawyer to do their jobs.

As Chris Brown currently sits in rehab, learning how to go from supremely super turnt up to something a little bit more tranquil, I just want to say I really, really you get it this time, Breezy. None of us can take another year of you cursing out people every couple of minutes via your cell phone Twitter app.

I Resolve To: Stay off Twitter.

R. Kelly might be allowed to continue to walk the streets in a Zorro mask and keep calling himself the Pied Piper (#creeplife), but if you know you're always going to be a target, why run to the hecklers (like me, who will never give him a seat at the table)? Personally, I'd rather he pledge to crawl into a black hole, but you know...staying away from Twitter is enough for now.

I Resolve To: Cease and desist efforts to fake our role in bettering race relations.

Remember when the Republican National Convention shouted out Rosa Parks for "ending racism." They tried to amend the statement, but it doesn't matter. Ultimately, if Rosa Parks were alive today and got on a bus headed for the polling station, there would be a Republican ready to tell her that she's ineligible to vote because she doesn't have six forms of ID and two ounces of blood to donate.

I Resolve To: Stop breaking my promises.

Even though most hopped off this boat seven years ago, there are indeed a bunch of folks waiting around for a Lil' Kim mixtape/album/EP/whatever else she lied about. Much of that has to do with Kimberly swearing that one is coming. There have been several false starts and this year fans finally got fed up and started tweeting her and people on her payroll directly. If there's anyone older than Beyoncé in music that can still learn from her examples, it's Lil' Kim. Don't promise new music anymore; just present it when you have it ready.

I Resolve To: Learn to accept a peace offering.

Kelly Osbourne's been acting like Lady Gaga stole her man, lunch money, and vibrator for a few years now. It seemed like the rift had been mended given Gaga and Kelly's mom, Sharon Osbourne, found themselves chummy on British TV. But no-no, Kelly wasn't having it and continued to come for Gaga's throat. To quote En Vogue: "Give it up, turn it loose."

I Resolve To: Use [my] words.

Shia LaBeouf was accused of plagiarizing comic book creator Daniel Clowes with his short film, HowardCantour.com, only to issue an apology that was itself accused of being lifted from someone else. Not long after came evidence of similar instances of plagiarism—making Shia Hollywood's 2013 equivalent of Rand Paul. Do better dude, or at the very least, hire a ghost writer. Call me.

I Resolve To: Not be a pervert about my own daughter.

Hulk Hogan started 2013 off wrong when he uploaded a photo of his kid captioned, "Brooke's legs." That's the kind of thing a horn dog says—about anyone besides the person they helped create. Any and all praise of Brooke from this day forward should be: "I love my daughter and support her." Nothing else unless you want to be the known as the King of Perverts.

I Resolve To: End my gay bashing since I don't want to be considered a homophobe.

Alec Baldwin needs a weed man, an Iyanla, and a six-month stay at a meditation retreat. But until that day comes, he can do his public image a world of good by stop using gay slurs (the f-word, for example) and threatening violence against people who say things about him that he doesn't like. Just a thought.

I Resolve To: Journal my rage before tweeting it.

If Kanye West isn't really crazy—just emotional, full of the truth, dealing with some anger issues, blah, blah, whatever—he should properly learn how to channel his anger as it happens. I know you cool kids love the rants and the raves, but if 2013 has taught us anything, it's that Yeezus' rants have consequences: a skewed public persona, declining record sales, and lower concert attendance than usual. I'm pretty sure the bottom dollar matters more than the retweet.