The whole thing feels like a Rob Zombie music video, but at least a Rob Zombie video has the decency to be blessedly over in three minutes. Resident Evil's brisk 90 minute run time feels sludgy, like the film has run twice that. Extras, geometrically square jaws for men and impossibily proportioned waistlines for women, deliver lines with all the finesse of an embarassing celebrity pitch during the opening of a baseball game.
The movie is one dimensional in the worst possible way and the only thing that saved the entire experience was a nearly endless pile of freshly sliced salmon. Save yourself an hour and a half and just watch the trailer above. Want to learn how to make sushi handrolls? It's way easier than it looks.
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Photo credit @Erik_Erikson