Fake the Funk: 10 Ways to Sound Like You Know What You're Talking About When Discussing Wine

Know absolutely nothing about wine? A wine expert shows you how to fake it until you make it.

Apr 17, 2013
Not Available Lead
Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

Not Available Lead
Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

You’re in a restaurant, on a date, and a wine list is placed on the table. You pick it up, and your date confesses to their love of wine. You mimic the sentiment in order to be agreeable and before you know it, she's asking you to order a bottle for the table. Trust us, this is the last place that you want to be. You’ve gotten carried away and oversold your wine knowledge; Now it’s time to get creative.

Whatever the situation, if you don’t know anything about wine and those around you are about to find out, don’t despair. With a few simple tips you can fool even a well-versed wine aficionado. Faking the funk is a skill that translates into all walks of life, so whether you’re talking about wine or literature, you need to know something about the subject in order to be convincing. The idea is to take the little bit of knowledge and spread it out making it appear greater than it really is.

Here's how to pull it off: 10 Ways to Sound Like You Know What You're Talking About When Discussing Wine.

Written by Raoul Segarra, Sommelier and Wine Director at North Square Restaurant

Raoul Segarra has been working with spirits for over 15 years. A seasoned sommelier, Segarra has worked at Keens, Judson Grill, and Jean-Georges, under the direction of great sommeliers-mentors who noticed and nurtured his talent. In 2004, he joined the Beanstalk Group (The Red Cat, The Mermaid Inn, The Harrison, Pace) as Wine and Beverage Director, where he put his creativity and love for finding a lesser known region or wine at a great price to work. Raoul brings this philosophy to the wine list at North Square, which features over 110 wines from 15 countries, 65 priced at less than $50. 

10. Be Aware of Your Body Language

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

A major component to any con (and let’s be honest here, this is a con, albeit a minor one), is being convincing. Pick that wine list off the table or grab that bottle off the shelf and start looking it over confidently. Now you’re off to a good start, but it’s going to take more to sell the idea.

9. Get These Basic Rules Down

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

You need to know something about the subject in order to be convincing.  For starters, you need to know some of the language, so here are some common words used when talking about wine and what they really mean:



  • Aroma=the smell. This one is pretty obvious, but you rarely hear a wines’ smell  referred to as such, more often you’ll hear terms like “powerful aroma.”  




  • Acidity/Acidic=tartness. Think lemon, lime, grapefruit, blueberries. and cranberries.




  • Dry=Not sweet. Sometimes on bottles of champagne and sparkling wine you’ll see the word “Brut;” it means the same thing.




  • Tannin(s)/Tannic=astringency. If you’ve ever had a cup of tea that steeped too long, then you know what tannins are.




  • Showing/drinking=tasting. Much like the word smell, the word taste is often avoided.




  • Vintage=the year that grapes were harvested. As in “2005 was a great vintage.”




  • Balance=the overall unity of the flavors.



8. Opt to Decant

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

If you’re part of a large group and wine is flowing freely, skip this step. But in almost every other scenario, decanting is rarely a bad idea. Most wines improve as they are exposed to air, which is why you do all of that swirling and slurping (which we'll get to next). Decanting, the act of transferring the wine from its original bottle into another vessel before serving, helps expedite this process. Note, it’s less common to decant white wine, so unless there’s some bits of cork floating around in your glass, save the decanting for the red wines.

7. Interact With Your Glass

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

When you first receive a glass, hold it by the stem, tilt it away from you, and observe the color of the wine. Gently swirl the wine in the glass by making small circles with you wrist; be careful not to overdo this motion and end up spilling wine.

If anyone asks why you're doing this, tell them it’s to help the wine open up. Take a small sip of the wine, and while holding it in your mouth, gently suck in a bit of air. This action will make a slight slurping sound—this is done to pass more air through the wine helping it to release more of its flavors. You don’t have to do this with every sip, but you should do it with the first.

6. Have a Couple of Esoteric Facts Up Your Sleeve

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

This can go a really long way in convincing others you know more than you really do. Bring a bottle of Crémant de Bourgogne Blanc de Blanc to a party and explain that while it’s made the same way as Champagne and uses one of the grapes found in Champagne, because it’s from a different region it’s classified Crémant. You need to have a few of these up your sleeves, lest you come off as a one trick pony.

5. Judge a Book By Its Cover (To a Degree)

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

If you happen to be in a situation where you can see the bottle you’re drinking from (or about to drink from); you can make some snap judgments on the label alone. This will require a sharp eye and a quick mind. For example, if the bottle that you’re about to drink has a black and white label with a drawing of a grape cluster and cursive writing, you could comment on how the wine is fruity yet traditional. On the other hand, if the label is colorful with an animal image on it, the wine might be fun or easy to drink. Or, if there’s calligraphic writing and a coat of arms on the label, you could assume (and announce) that's it's serious and traditional. 

4. If You Can’t Pronounce It, Don’t Order It

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

This is a surefire way to show that you don’t know what you’re ordering. Amongst the many reasons why Merlot, Malbec, and Chardonnay are more popular than Falanghina or Blaufränkish is the ease of pronouncing the names. You should take the same route if you want to avoid blowing your cover.

3. Steal

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

Oscar Wilde said, “Talent borrows, genius steal” and that sentiment can be applied here. By persuading another (especially someone who is particularly versed with wine) to start a dialogue, you can take their commentary and improve on it. This strategy also works on the neophytes; by agreeing with someone’s opinion and expanding on it, now officially making it your opinion, that very person is more inclined to agree with you and endorse your “wine expertise.”

2. Consider the Situation at Hand

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

Are you surrounded by a group of wine savvy people, or is it just one or two? Better yet, are you around people that don’t know much about wine? Understanding the lay of the land will help you traverse it. The more knowledgeable your company is, the more you want them to talk, giving you the opportunity to reshape their commentary. Leading us to rule number three…

1. Keep Something in the Tank

Not Available Interstitial
Image via Complex Original

Don’t use every wine term you learned, name every grape you can think of, and voice your three bits of esoteric information in the first five minutes. This will make you appear like you’re scrambling to look knowledgeable. Instead, give a little and take a little, but keep something in reserve.

Follow these rules and you have many people convinced that you’re a wine expert; choose not to and you’ll have a funny story to tell. Cheers, and good luck.

City GuideWine

Latest in Pop Culture