Free Health Care Advice From Rappers, Since You're Probably Losing Your Insurance

As the future becomes more uncertain, thankfully hip-hop is there to keep you healthy—with or without insurance.

Trump Kanye
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Image via Drew Angerer/Getty

Trump Kanye

Greetings. If you’re reading this, you may have a pre-existing condition. Welcome to club! There are nearly 24 million of us and we may lose our health care. Unlucky for us, Paul Ryan has wet dreams about exploiting the vulnerable. Lucky for us, a handful of rappers have dedicated lyrics to exploring (limited) alternatives to health insurance.

(DISCLAIMER: While we have no data to support success rate. Assume that since our laws are relics of the middle ages, I expect our mortality rates will be too.)

On Cancer

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“Ay fuck cancer” —Young Thug, street oncologist

Young Thug and Quavo tell cancer exactly where it stands. Your thoughts are free and it’s important that in these times you take advantage of your freedom to express yourself while you still have it. Under the current draft of American Health Care Act, if you are diagnosed with cancer and don’t have the means to pay for treatment, you will likely die. Rhetorically rebuking abnormal cell growth is the most cost effective means of treatment in this case.

On Eating Right

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“I don’t eat no meat, no dairy, no sweets/Only ripe vegetables, fresh fruit, and whole wheat.” —Dead Prez, nutritionists

Your favorite Living Legend™ may be keeping hot sauce in her bag, but you cannot. You don’t have Beyonce money, sorry. You don’t even have Blue Ivy money and she’s only 5 years old. The reality is you can’t afford a refined taste as health-related costs accompanied with poor diet will cost you in the thousands. Dead Prez gives you the basic schematic for how to lead a long and healthy life if absolutely no other factors harm your health. Eat as an herbivore, like a rabbit or something, and appreciate that ripe vegetables are much cheaper than any market-controlled prescription.

On Hydration

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“Drink more water, take a little sip, n***a/Just a sip will make a n***a feel like gold.” —Mick Jenkins, hydration consultant

Since it makes up about 60% of the human body, water is your most important nutrient. As we approach what is surely the apocalypse, it’s important to always stay hydrated (ASH). Not only with ASH keep you from being ashy, it keeps you alive as you navigate capitalist hell. Some rappers talk about sipping Henny but that won’t question your thirst like H2O. Mick Jenkins has simple advice: drink more water. It will not heal one of any dozens of terminal diseases but drinking water makes you feel like you’re doing something.

On Contraception

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“Safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex/Cause you don’t want that late text, that ‘I think I’m late’ text.” —Lil Wayne, safe sex advocate

As the AHCA seeks to defund planned parenthood, entire communities of people will have less access to contraception leading to a rise in STIs and pregnancies. Lil Wayne, ever proactive about the social stigmas and health risks associated with unprotected sex, has a Public Service Announcement: Safe sex is great sex. These words could not be more clear if he’d store complimentary condoms in his dreads.

On Fitness

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“One and two and three and four and get them sit ups right and/Tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this.” —Kanye West, personal trainer

Exercise lowers the risk of developing a costly disease, like diabetes. We hate to sort diseases as priced tiers but the marketplace forces us to itemize our health. Kanye encourages physical activity against the penalties that come from the pre-existing condition known as aging. And while only our nation’s rich can afford full health coverage, Kanye’s regimen positions you to entrap someone in the owning class or at least a dude with a car.

If you abide by these simple health tips, you could delay death long enough to see universal health care become a reality. These are from the the perfect solutions but they economical at a time in American history when sickness is taxed.

On Illegal Drugs

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“Don’t do drugs, kids, give them to I.” —Flatbush Zombies, unofficial D.A.R.E. operatives

This is the best Drug Abuse Resistance Education you don’t have to pay for. The only drugs you should be doing are the prescriptions you filled on the other side of the Canadian border when American pharmaceuticals inevitably become too expensive. This is Trump’s America now. Jeff Sessions is waiting in the shadows for you to slip up and get high. If you can’t afford medical services, there’s no way you can afford to catch a case from the Keebler Elf. If you feel tempted to smoke weed or drop acid or roll molly, just don’t do it. Instead, feel empowered to give your drugs to the nearest Flatbush Zombie so they can dispose of it appropriately.

So, be well.

Congratulations, these health care alternatives will allow you to go forth into the world and lead a full life, provided you never get sick again or have some injury befall you. This feat may sound impractical, but in the words of Jay Z, “Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a Republican-majority.” We’d wish you luck under the American Health Care Act, but luck isn’t going to save you now, just ask Hillary Clinton. Your only hope is to call your local congressman and complain, like good millennials you are before you have to choose between your life and the latest iPhone.

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