Keep Your Post-Coital Selfies With Usain Bolt—Cashing In On Celebrity Hookups Is Tired

Is it really that big of a deal to smash a celeb? Usain Bolt's Olympic hookup and the tabloids that enable her think so.

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"Thots & Thoughts" is a column in which musings on dating, sex, race, religion, and politics all come together—from a bird's-eye view.

In 2016, the year of our Lemonade, is it really that big a deal to have had sex with a celebrity? It doesn’t happen to the average person, but to disclose that information as if you are a special snowflake isn't remarkable—especially after books like Karrine Steffans’ Confessions of a Video Vixen, reality shows like Basketball Wives and Love & Hip Hop, Internet message boards like Lipstick Alley, and gossip outlets like The Shade Room.

There is an insatiable need for all things celebrity, but declaring you smashed someone famous and are therefore worthy of special recognition feels as old as the days you needed a college email account to join Facebook. Still, to 20-year-old Brazilian college student Jady Duarte and the tabloids that enable her, it was a worthy tale. Duarte gave an interview—excuse me, an EXCLUSIVE interview—to The Daily Mail about how she had sex with Olympian Usain Bolt.

According to her, he “pestered her” for sex using the Google Translate app. Breaking news: A man who wants to have sex in a foreign country uses technology to do so. Moreover, Bolt apparently snuck Duarte into the Olympic Village "under the noses of security." And this just in: Duarte claims that Bolt insisted on listening to Rihanna's "Work" during sex. So he likes to have sex to music. Ohmigod, next think you'll tell me he ejaculated during sexual intercourse, too!

Duarte went on to express disappointment that Bolt did not keep his alleged promise to take her on another “date.” "I really thought we had something going,” she said. “But now I can see that he picks up women as quickly as he picks up gold medals.”

Girl. Girl. Girl. Did you really think this? If so, email me and let me create a Spotify and/or Apple Music playlist for you. I want you to never be that gullible in this life again.

I say this because she admittedly knew who the Bolt was before they had sex. And based on this story, she knew she could cash in on having sex with him. If that is the case, she could've easily Googled more intel along the way to find out he had a girlfriend, too, thus confirming their tryst was a one night stand. Consensual sex between two adults is just that, but knowing a situation for what it is might save you a lot of time, or in Duarte's case, fake heartbreak for a story.

I do not begrudge Duarte for having sex with Bolt. Bolt having a girlfriend and cheating on her with Duarte is his problem and their issue. People have the right to lead lives that mirror SWV songs. But I am curious as to whether or not this moment of attention is worth an eternity of her Google searches being largely centered on the night she smashed a famous athlete.

A decade ago, when Karrine Steffans wrote her aforementioned book, she detailed all the famous men she’s had sex with during her days appearing in music videos for a few seconds at a time. Steffans was not the first woman by any means to gain attention for bedding a celebrity, and so we're clear, men have also chimed in on the practice of having sex with the famous, marginally famous, or famous-adjacent, and then sing like Mariah Carey to anyone who will listen.

Much of all that has to do with the “democratization of celebrity.” You know, where people without traditional talents can secure fame given our society has both an insatiable need for both celebrity and celebrity-centered content.​

Call it a hunch, but given that Duarte said she knew who Bolt was before meeting him, she gave this interview to step into the spotlight. Such is her right, but doesn’t this come across as boring by now? It just seems like a spoiled milk carton of a hustle. You get the stigmas that come with running your mouth and it’s highly unlikely you net any real benefit from this. I surely hope Duarte used that money for tuition because this will not get her on WAGS. It barely registered on TMZ.

The sex will probably last longer than “the fame.” But you know, good luck with that.

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